Constantly drowning in God's love and grace! Finding joy in all things. To God be all praise and glory!!!
A conversation with my roommate reminded me of my past. Here are my thoughts.
There are parts of me that look back on the past and wonder how I got here. I look back and remember all the pain in my life that should have stopped me from moving forward. I remember the pain from my sophomore year of high school that sent my world spinning uncontrollably downward into depression. I remember endless nights of crying and feeling numb. I remember hearing about a childhood friend losing his fight against cancer and wondering where God was in all of this. I remember countless ways to end my life and waiting for the right moment. I remember one of my best friends telling me I was worthless. I remember a yelling match in a car trying to figure out who was to blame for everything. I remember feeling alone in college trying to determine who I could trust. I remember a miscommunication that flipped everything I knew about a person upside down. I remember experiencing my first heart break and wondering if I could live on. I remember hearing that my best friend in the world died. I remember my mind racing constantly where I felt drained every second of every day.
But then I see it all so clearly now. I experienced depression so that I could relate to a few junior high campers at a camp allowing them to open up and share the pains and struggles they faced. They now have a supportive community that fights with them in their struggles. I understand loss of people close to us, not in the same way, but we share the pains of losing someone we love. I still struggle with trust, but I can confidently say there are people out there who care about you. All you have to do is really look at the people who are still sticking by you no matter what. I can understand heartbreak and encouraging others that there is a brighter tomorrow. I’ve had the blessing of encouraging a few girls going through heartbreak by showing them that they can overcome anything by trusting in God and giving him their hearts.
All of this happened, and all of this is part of me. I am alive today because God got in the way and interrupted my life. Maybe not in the way I would have imagined, but it got my attention. When I chose the path to walk away from him, he used all his might to make me look his way. The nights I could have ended my life, He put a small piece of hope that maybe the next day would be better. When my childhood friend and best friend passed away, he gave me comfort in knowing he was looking out for me.
There are terrible things that happen in life and yet there’s great beauty in them. Sometimes God allows things to get in my way because I’m too stubborn to turn around and walk towards him on my own. But regardless of what happened back then or in the future. I’m not going back to the way I was. I can’t imagine my life without God, so I’m not giving up the race I’ve started.
Yesterday I was in a lot of pain. I’ll be honest I suck at explaining my emotions, so I’m going to better explain myself now.
I feel that I used some of the wrong words. My insecurities are not about being needed or wanted, but it’s more about struggling with being alone, used, or treated as expendable or convenient. Lots of people deal with this. But every person is also different. Mine ties back to my past and being the black sheep of almost every “group” (friends, family, church community, etc.) I’ve heard small comments my entire life that have made me question my existence or sense of belonging. Things like, “She doesn’t look like the other siblings because she’s a 50/50 split while the rest look more like her mom,” “You’re just like (family member name),” “Oh can you do this for me? You’re better at it than I am,” “You’re trash,” “No one will ever like you,” “I wish you were _______.” Some people were “joking”, but I didn’t take it as a joke. These are just some of the words that have stuck with me since I can remember. When people told me that I was pretty, unique, talented, creative, I didn’t believe that they were being honest. I had no faith in humanity because of everything they had said to me, even my own family. Along with many other things, it led me into depression and thoughts of suicide.
When I finally started to heal from my depression, God showed me the beauty in the people he surrounded me with. He showed me the love, grace, and patience of my family to wait for me to open up to them. He gave me a community in college where I could be myself and genuinely be encouraged to move forward in spite, not despite, of my mistakes and past.
But yesterday it wasn’t enough to bring hope back into my heart. The thoughts and memories of the past drowned me. Inside my body was a battle raging on. My new life in Christ was telling me to look at God’s faithfulness while my depression was questioning how long it will last.
I prayed and prayed and finally asked God, “Show me that you’re here with me! I feel so alone.” And in that moment God pulled a memory that I’ll never forget. The safest place on Earth to me is in the embrace of my parents. In that moment where their arms are wrapped around me, I feel that nothing can touch me. God told me, “This is waiting for you if you just turn around and run into my arms.” I wrapped myself in my blanket and felt the warm embrace of my heavenly Father’s arms. And in that moment, he took away my pain and calmed the storms inside of me. He brought me peace and comfort like he promised.
God is faithful, sometimes I can’t convince myself if it when my depression is trying to take hold of me. But he is faithful and will fight my battle along side me. I just have to simply turn around and run into his arms.
I’ve struggled with the insecurity of being wanted/needed. I can’t remember when it all started, but I know it’s been there for a really long time. I’ve never been able to fully understand what it means to be wanted. Too many times people who I cared about have pushed me away and wanted nothing to do with me. I’ve struggled with whether or not people really cared or if I was just convenient to them at the time. And it hurts a lot.
I know that God loves me and I am wanted by him. But there are times when the world whispers in my ear that even if God does, I’m just a convenience for others to use then throw away. I know that isn’t true, but I can’t get certain words out of my head. The past is coming back on flashes. Betrayal, being taken advantage of, being rejected. God doesn’t have that planned out for my life with the community he has so graciously provided me with. Please pray that these voices of negativity will stop and that God will bring peace to this.